Asking for the end of reality shows and the Taliban
Posted By BRUCE CAMERON
Posted 2 months ago
Dear Jolly, Kind-Hearted Santa Claus:
Iam a child unfortunately afflicted with a disease called age.
Seems like just yesterday I was an eight-year-old on the street, Koho in hand, taking ownership of "Orr" before any other of my road hockey-playing pals were quick enough to. Now, I'm stuck with the surreal math that I'm a few months older than the president of the United States.
So with today being the 25th and all, exactly one month away from you-know-what, well, I thought I'd write a "Dear Santa" letter.
Don't freak. And before you crumple up this letter and chuck it into the fireplace, please note, I'm not asking for anything.
Sure, a brand-new 2009 Fender USA Precision bass (sunburst in colour, with rosewood neck) would be fine under the tree. A new, sassy black Camaro would be dandy in my driveway on Christmas morning. But as you know, at this time of year it's better to be all-altruistic-all-the-time. I don't wish for anything. In fact, I'd like you to take away some stuff from my life.
Let's start with that lame little adjectival helper "world class." It tries to come off as impressive but after kicking around for the last 15 or so years, it really is tired and trite. Think of a yappy shih tzu, scurrying like a Kleenex box with fur, bent on catching up to what it considers to be the big dogs.
Another thing you could take away is the sad spectacle of small-time politicians under the delusion of future grandeur and glory. Now to be fair, Santa, we all know there are a few decent souls out there who depend on votes for a living. They actually believe in the ideals behind words like "public service." The problem is, we don't know their names or where they are because they're too busy trying to do a good job for their constituents to stop and blow their own horn.
Reality shows likeDancing With the Star, Survivor: Samoa, Battle of the Blades,et al. Haul 'em away, big guy.
Actually, some of these exercises in vapidity aren't all bad. I did for a spell enjoy watching Gene Simmons, foppish-freak-as- master-of-his-own-universe, inFamily Jewels.Tell you what; just concentrate on one TV show. TakeDragons' Den.The panel (Arlene, Robert, Jim, Kevin and W. Brett) can be a drag, what with that faux superiority and all. It doesn't work. This is Canada. Somewhere inside, these folks are nice.
Well, Santa, I have only a couple of more items for you to take away. A warning -- they're tough. Even for you.
The first one will strike a personal chord. It's the use of "the holidays" instead of the potentially contentious "Christmas." You hear "the holidays" most often on expensive national ads because big businesses are timid and don't want to offend anyone anywhere over anything. They're not exactly sure whom they may or may not be offending but such is the flow and flux when trying to snag those all-important seasonal profits.
Finally, and this is the big one, can you please take away all the hate-filled Talibanistic terrorists? Let them know that, though they may in their minds already be living the blood-smeared End Days, maybe the rest of us aren't quite there yet. You don't have to teach 'em to love. That's likely way too much to ask. Just try and teach them not to have so much hate.
Thanks, Santa. You're the best.
Bruce Cameron, a news broadcaster for ROCK95/KOOL FM, is a freelance writer. He invites you to check out his blog, The Flotsam File.
