A family's final moments
Posted By J.T. MCVEIGH
Updated 6 months ago
J.T. McVeigh PhotoMarie Murphy is surrounded by her daughters Martha Clarke, left, RitaSue Bolton, RavenLeigh Winwood and Irene Wright at Hospice Simcoe. The daughters have joined their mother as Murphy begins 'her next great adventure." (Friday, February 6, 2010)
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On a beautiful sunny Friday, sparkles glint off a snow woman perched outside Marie Murphy's window.
Wrapped with a scarf, cookies for eyes and buttons for, well buttons, the look is topped out with what looks like a cowboy hat.
"That's Claire," says Raven Leigh Winwood, Murphy's daughter.
The snow woman compliments a room filled with pictures, drawings and caricatures. Earth tones on the walls and comfortable chairs complete the look.
Four women, sisters, are sitting around a bed telling stories, singing songs and enjoying their time with their mother.
Marie lies in her bed as her daughters rhyme off a career that has been both gratifying and challenging.
Studying medicine at McGill University and becoming a doctor when women didn't do such things, she practiced pediatric surgery. Married to a husband in the military, she has moved back to Barrie four times.
Murphy was in the armed forces medical corp, later practiced public health and taught sex education in Barrie's former St. Mary's High School when nuns in their habits were shocked when Marie taught about "real life." She enjoys people, especially children, becoming a puppeteer to entertain them.
And when circumstances finally led Marie to live in an independent seniors residence in Barrie, she volunteered in a reading program and became perhaps the Barrie police's oldest volunteer to show up at their station having to submit to a criminal background check at age 89. Rules are rules.
"She loves the people at Roberta Place," says Irene Wright, her youngest daughter. "Mom always said that she had 109 brothers and sisters there."
The years and illness caught up with Murphy and she found herself in palliative care at Barrie's Royal Victoria Hospital.
It was then that the family decided they had to act.
With three of the daughters living outside of the city -- Kingston, Mississauga and Cambridge -- and the fourth, Martha, living in Alberta, it was imperative for the family to find a way to be together during these last days.
Last days are a terrifying thought for a lot of people. Death isn't something most people embrace or even want to face up to, but since all of Murphy's daughters have all found their careers in the health field, they know what palliative care is and are aware of some of its shortcomings.
Even for the final days or weeks, they know what quality of life is and they want to share it as a family.
"When we found out about mom we started looking for alternatives," Irene says. "We rented a house nearby so the four of us can stay there."
As soon as they discovered Hospice Simcoe's residential care, Hospice House, they knew that this was "where we wanted to be."
Open for only a couple of months, the facility on Penetanguishene Road is already receiving top marks from its residents.
"The beauty of this place," says Raven Leigh, "is you are not a client, you are a resident. This is your home."
To prove it, they have found that they pretty well have free rein.
"There are no set times for anything," says Raven Leigh, "The volunteers here check on people in the morning to see what residents want for breakfast and then they prepare it for them."
Families can even bring in their own food and prepare it in the kitchen.
"Mom is a late sleeper, so they don't disturb her. They just come back when she is awake"
Not surprisingly, clocks just don't seem important at Hospice House. Visiting hours for the family begin when they arrive and end when they leave. Ironically, there is even a Murphy bed for family who want to stay over.
During the early part of Murphy's visit, the weather turned and all four women spent the night.
"Mom has friends drop in from Roberta Place," says Rita Sue. "One of mom's friends is a wonderful singer. He was here singing for two hours, it was wonderful."
Another time a friend played the piano. The women just rolled their mother's bed down to the atrium.
Animals have visited Murphy, as well, including a bull mastiff who gently ate crackers from her hand. There is no restrictions on visitors.
"The No. 1 gift for me" says Irene, "is all the stories about mom that I hadn't known."
The snow woman is another tale.
"While we were trying to make this thing -- the snow didn't pack very well -- this guy shows up and starts helping us. We didn't know who he was," says Raven Leigh. It turned out to be Dr. Rick Irvin, the driving force behind Hospice House.
"He thought it was a great idea," Raven Leigh adds. "He brought the hat. Do you know what it is? It's a bed pan that when turned upside down looks remarkably like a cowboy hat."
There is a gentleness, a love in the building, that the family keeps referring to.
Everyone on staff, from the nurses to volunteers to custodians, are aware they are with special people, people who are at perhaps their most difficult time.
Families of other residents share information of their own experiences if it will help. Everyone is treated like a person, including the resident who is "entering the next adventure."
"I worry," says Irene. "Everyday that we come here we see the cranes for the new cancer care centre and I think, 'There are going to be a lot more people needing facilities like this.'"
With health budgets being challenged all of the time and nurses overwhelmed by work in hospitals, it seems the first thing that gets impacted is bedside care. It isn't fair to the patients, the families the health providers.
"It is a celebration of life for it to be done in this manner," says Irene.
"Everything is about care here," adds Raven Leigh "Everything has been considered spiritual, practical; it is a very holistic approach."
"This has been critical for us," says Martha, "This has given us the gift of time to be with mom and my sisters."
Irene agrees.
"There have been tears for sure, but there has also been laughter."
Murphy lies back in her bed after singing a couple of songs with the girls, still smiling at them.
"The most important thing for me," says Martha, "after 30 years, it has given me the chance to be a daughter and a sister again."
jmcveigh@thebarrieexaminer.com
