Dear Santa: PAPER VIEW
Is it too early for a Santa Wish-list type of column?
Not that I’d want to foster any ill will towards a fellow Examiner contributor who couldn’t muster the decency to at least wait for the first day of December to unleash a similarly themed column.
But we’ll let that pass.
After all, it’s supposed to be the season of goodwill, isn’t it? So let’s get to it.
I hope this short introductory note finds you well and in good spirits for one whack-job of a busy time. Not wishing to take too much of it, here’s my list.
#1: Any chance of preserving the ideals of yuletide for one and all by letting a certain writer from Orillia know that it’s not cool to pen a Christmas column that appears in the Examiner on Nov. 29?
#2: This next one is tough, but after all, you’re Santa, right? Anyway, do you think it would be possible to ratchet the Doomsday Clock from what feels like 11:59:59 p.m. back to a place of normalcy? An area of relative calm for one and all? You know, back to about a year ago, the place the world had been overall OK with for the previous 40 or so years? A place like... 11:58:42 p.m. Somewhere around there.
#3: This one may yet again tax your powers. Then again, it may be the easiest wish you’ve ever dealt with. It’s about our Leafs, Santa. I think we’re still in learning mode and the Stanley Cup is, alas, out of reach for this season. Therefore, we need to wind up in last place like we did last season. As you know, that fun – and educational – foray to the bottom resulted in the shining, offensive gifts of Auston Matthews. Now, we’re in need of a blue-line stud. Please see what you can do.
#4: Santa, could you instill in federal Conservative leadership contender Kellie Leitch a sudden urge to see all the good in most people from all corners of the world; the good in having a vital sea-to-sea-to-sea link, like the CBC; and the good that comes from turning a frown upside down?
Ho-ho-holy smokes, what was I thinking? You’re substantial in your Seasonal karmic wonders, Santa, but you’re not that substantial in your Seasonal karmic wonders – with all due respect, of course.
#5: Santa, do you think you could get Kathleen Wynne to get our hydro rates in line with most of the rest of North America? Man, when it comes to day-to-day retail politics, these provincial Liberals are inept. It’s as if they keep counting on the Progressive Conservatives to offer up the next version of Tim Hudak. That may currently be the case, but their luck is going to run out sooner or later.
#6: Santa, I am a fan of Paul McCartney. But I detest treacly, sappy, over-happy, crappy Christmas songs. As I’m sure you do. So is there any way you could silently delete “Wonderful Christmas Time,” in all its varied hard copy and digital forms? Everywhere ‘round the globe? I’d really, really, really appreciate it.
Santa, you’ll notice I never asked for a single item that would normally be called a “gift.” All Wishes are, more or less, for the betterment of mankind. If I were to request an actual gift, well, a sweet pair of green Gazelles under the tree would be a nice touch. But I’m selfless, so I won’t be asking for those. Nice as they are, and all.
Merry Christmas, Santa. Thanks.
Bruce Cameron is a Barrie freelance writer and a fan of Adidas Gazelles.