Your yearly gift suggestions
It's that time again, dear readers, for Little Jimmy's Christmas Gift Suggestions.
To begin, I must apologize for missing last year. I was awaiting the outcome of several lawsuits by a surprising number of disgruntled readers who claimed that a gift from the 'cheap-but-loving' file caused serious difficulties in their relationships and in one sad case, seven months in traction.
You would think that a person would at least have some idea that the recipient might find a particular gift offensive. For instance 'Newly Separated, but Lonely' from Shanty Bay should have known his wife had toenail issues and the stainless steel clipper would not be appreciated. Granted, she should not have kicked him with their nine children watching but at least the planned vasectomy will no longer be necessary. Once the bleeding stops, they can continue normal marital relations if she moves back home. Here we are, assuming her new partner will tire of wearing shin guards to bed.
And you, Mrs. A. Whackamole, of Fesserton, Ont. obviously weren't thinking when you bought the plastic brush and comb set for your husband. Alphonse has been totally bald since you left the Liquid Plumber where the Head and Shoulders usually sat, although his dandruff disappeared along with most of one ear.
I must admit I erred when I suggested the Viagra starter kit to the lady in Champlain Manor, granted her husband was still smiling when the ambulance arrived. You should have read the instructions. It is four hours, not four days.
And now, onto this year's list of gifts to set your loved one's heart a-flutter. If it is still a-flutter an hour later, you might be advised to call 911, or take his or her finger out of the light socket.
It's true young wives can be immensely thrilled when a husband buys them sexy undies, although one should exercise caution and take a quick peek in milady's underwear drawer for sizes. A young lady who tips the scales at 110 pounds and is constantly worrying about how she looks from behind, may not get much joy when she opens the Barrie Tent and Awning gift box and finds bloomers that could very well be the mainsail from the Bluenose. In fact you might be well advised to ask the man next door for her size since he bought the pair she is presently wearing.
What does a young lady buy for her new boyfriend, the fellow she just met at the single portion section at Metro and hopes he is 'the one'? It cannot be too intimate lest he mistake her for the tramp he hoped she was. On the other hand she doesn't want him to think she is so prim and proper that she's no fun at all. How about a gift card for a lap dance at any one of the fine drinking establishments in Barrie? Not Orillia, a dancer can get arrested here if she takes off her parka and skidoo boots.
Most chaps have experienced this. You have gone out with the girl of your dreams for the first time. Actually it wasn't really a date; you walked her home from school and shared a Coke. I don't mean snorted one, but actually went into a restaurant and dropped a tenner on the counter and got a nickel change. It is important you let her know you are a gentleman. This is a girl you want to spend your life with, the girl you would be proud to introduce to your family, your friends and your ex-mother-in-law. Well maybe not, but the friends anyway. That first Christmas gift has to be special and it may cost you a bit more than my frugal suggestions. I'm thinking a black leather teddy, complete with mask and thigh-high spiked-heel boots? But no whip, you don't want to appear kinky.
I mustn't forget the little ones, how about a Trump doll? It doesn't do anything other than rant, rave and insult all the other toys in the toy box.
Jim Foster is a columnist for the Packet & Times. He can be contacted at email@example.com.